The Science of Selling Yourself Short

Stop thinking about your fucking clothes for one second and...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 01:39:44 -0400

Stop thinking about your fucking clothes for one second and enjoy a nice slice of rhubarb pie.

Forget that the guy looks like a deer in the headlights on acid,...

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 20:20:20 -0400

Forget that the guy looks like a deer in the headlights on acid, the jacket he’s wearing is on point.

My eyes are sexy, but my eyes are sensitive. So when I have to...

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 03:59:10 -0400

My eyes are sexy, but my eyes are sensitive. So when I have to wear sunglasses, they have to pretty sexy too.

And be charitable. Cause if I’m going to prevent someone from gazing upon the glory that are my pair of eyes, I better also be making the world a better fucking place.

I wake up and I can’t remember a damn thing but the clues...

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 21:54:03 -0400

I wake up and I can’t remember a damn thing but the clues to last night are spread across the mess of my bed: empty bottles of Johnny Walker and cigarette ashes and broken condoms and her, peacefully sleeping next me and inside this mess and I try to get out of bed and that’s when my exploding brain tells me that’s a stupid fucking idea and I ignore him but I don’t get far before before I trip over these pants.

That’s when I start to remember last night but I only get the part where she’s telling me how much she likes my pants and the part where she rips them off.

I got no jokes for this.

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 13:34:00 -0400

I got no jokes for this.

Let’s pretend for a second you actually use a watch to...

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 19:48:00 -0400

Let’s pretend for a second you actually use a watch to tell time. Wouldn’t you want a watch where the hands are camouflaged into the back? And you would also want to not be able to tell if it’s six or twelve?

Well you don’t use your watch to tell time anyways, so you shouldn’t get this gorgeous thing.

EDIT: if you noticed that Drake named dropped these earlier and I didn’t, it’s be cause I am Drake.

Yo, Justin Timberlake’s got a new album and he’s...

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 18:28:22 -0400

Yo, Justin Timberlake’s got a new album and he’s finally not dressing like he’s trying to bring N Sync back. Time to step your game up.

“Accessorize, accessorize,” he said in a voice that reminded me...

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 21:50:00 -0400

“Accessorize, accessorize,” he said in a voice that reminded me of that gay guy on Cheers and he walked away and over to this blonde at the bar and he grabbed her and he kissed her and she dropped her glass on the floor and he smoothly let go of her breats and he walked out of the bar before she was able to get that rid of that stunned “did I just get Fucked?” face and call the cops.

No, go fuck yourselves, I'm not going to post about the Oscars red carpet styles.

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 21:28:54 -0500

Please, couldn’t afford a two-thousand dollar suit could...

Sun, 17 Feb 2013 04:45:14 -0500

Please, couldn’t afford a two-thousand dollar suit could you? That’s okay; that’s what blogs are for, right? Why spend two grand on a suit when you can just copy and paste the photos on your blog and drool/criticize the designer for each millimeter the buttons are too far to the right.

But not now, it’s time to berate your Asian tailor because your thrift-store suit he’s altering for thirty dollars isn’t “fashion week ready” and learn to dance in double monks around your studio apartment just in case there’s a Saturday Night Fever remake.

This suit’s dope though, so bounce those checks and fuck that rent.

You ever paid so much money to look like a hobo? For $1500, it...

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 01:46:00 -0500

You ever paid so much money to look like a hobo? For $1500, it better make you look like a damned sexy hobo.

It does.

This is the kind of jacket you give a girl while she’s shaking in the cold and you could be sleeping in her bed tonight instead under the 405 overpass.

There once was a suit too dope. It was tailored in the heart of...

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 20:57:00 -0500

There once was a suit too dope.

It was tailored in the heart of Venice, Italy by the legendary,then 120 year-old, tailor Mario Berlusconi who, upon completing the suit, fell dead in shock from witnessing the suit’s presence.

There once was a man who desired this suit.

He offered the tailor a king’s ransom to make the suit, fully aware that the tailor’s heart could not handle the shock of being in front of such perfection.

But, the suit was his.

He waited until the perfect night to dawn the suit, with the perfect gorgeous woman to impress. And on that night, he picked the perfect tie, the perfect shoes, the perfect shirt and the perfect watch to go with the perfect suit. And he knotted every tie, buckled every cuff link and tied every shoe. And he was finished; he was suited up.

And that’s when he came.

He came so hard, he had to sit down. He had to take the suit off. And instead of going that night, he went to bed. Upon awaking, he was perplexed. He tried to put on the suit, but he came again and had to take it off. And the next day, he tried again. He came again.

But as despaired he was from unable to properly control himself in the suit, the perfection of the fabrics, the glory of the lapels, and the fascination of the cut would not let him break free of the desire to rock the suit. The suit that was too dope.

And from then on, he started his day by trying put the suit on. And from then on, he started his day by cumming into the suit. It started to become routine; something to help him get up in the morning and get ready for work. And then a year passed, and suit had become rock hard, the fabrics ruined, and the cut completely stiff and completely unwearable.

Alas, the suit was ruined.

Now while This Trench may aide you in your persuit of becoming...

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 20:53:00 -0500

Now while This Trench may aide you in your persuit of becoming the posh, aloof wanderer tracking across the country preventing evil doing and pregnating beautiful provincial women, you must never pass by this precious rule:

Above the knee and you’re prim and pulchritudinous; below the knee and you’re parading pedophilia.

This pocket square makes your pocket square look like Ted...

Fri, 28 Dec 2012 02:03:00 -0500

This pocket square makes your pocket square look like Ted Danson’s forehead.

Don’t be one of those guys that shows up to a Christmas...

Mon, 24 Dec 2012 20:39:45 -0500

Don’t be one of those guys that shows up to a Christmas sweater party without a Christmas sweater because it would damage your “sartorial integrity” while that neon green and red suit combo hanging in your closet from your last summer campaign is screaming. No one likes you when you’re that guy. You’re own suits don’t even like you man.

So cop this instead. Sure you’re only going to wear it around Christmas, but you’ll be thankful for the season when you’re seeing Mrs. Claus every year.

New Rule: Stop Giving a Fuck What Other Guys Wear That...

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 02:44:00 -0500

New Rule: Stop Giving a Fuck What Other Guys Wear

That guy’s lack of perception isn’t going to get on your newly-polished double monks. His over-sized Men’s Wearhouse suit isn’t personally mocking your over-tailored three-piece suit.

An angel doesn’t die every time a fat guy wears a fedora.

Treating a guy like he’s Jeffrey Dahmer for wearing squared-toed shoes doesn’t make the ladies swoon over the growth of your imaginary #menswear penis. We know that’s why you’re doing it.

And It doesn’t make your suit grow another button.

Cause if you’re wearing a three-button, that would make it four, and that gives Mr. Men’s Wearhouse about ten inches more than you.

Actually, screw that. These guys look fucking ridiculous.

He walks in with this jacket and these chinos and these double...

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 22:05:00 -0500

He walks in with this jacket and these chinos and these double monks and he looks like a dapper motherfucker but he acts like a douche so the girls have dubbed the 10 square feet around him a “hazard zone” but every girl that rejects him only makes him more douchier and drunker and screaming “I got a 1000 followers on tumblr!” And that once excellent jacket now smells like appletinis and desperation.

The next morning I’m shopping to forget about this hangover and spot the same jacket and I decide to buy it because I want to believe it was him that got the rejected and not this soft leather and I wear it out and soon I see this blonde giving me the eye and I go up to ask her directions and the next thing I know she’s climbing out of my bed, wearing only this jacket and I’m giving her directions to my bathroom.

It’s cold as fucK these days. even your most dapper homies...

Mon, 03 Dec 2012 17:51:00 -0500

It’s cold as fucK these days. even your most dapper homies are replacing their sex appeal with thousands of layers from REI. You can’t fall victim to the cold or your homies’ pussy remarks about “frostbite” and “hypothermia”.

But you don’t have to fear, this peacoat is here. You can fight the cold away and still keep that dapper style she’s crazy about. Now all you have to worry about is all 50 of her layers off. Oh, and frostbite on your dick. That would suck. Really really suck. Be careful, my friends.

He was covered in denim. Denim jacket and jeans covering a denim...

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 23:24:00 -0500

He was covered in denim. Denim jacket and jeans covering a denim shirt and even denim sneakers, but he hadnt shaved or showered in months and was carrying around a shopping cart across the Venice Beach boardwalk and that’s when I realized not only that he was homeless but the shopping cart was filled with garbage bags that were filled with the latest selvedge denim jeans and jackets.

He resorted to uttering a moaning scream at the street performers and pot heads that sounded like “free change, free change” and he spotted me and I was wearing this so I couldn’t escape him and ended up giving him change from a twenty I split by grabbing some famous Venice shitty pizza and he seemed generally ecstatic but started twitching let out a weird cry “I used to be a lawyer…”

And he strutted away with his shopping cart and that was the only time I ever considered buying dad jeans until I remembered the girl last night who told me how much she loved my Japanese imported selvedge jeans while she was taking them off.

Denim is an addiction. Moderation is key.

You’ve must’ve seen the new James Bond movie. I...

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 22:32:00 -0500

You’ve must’ve seen the new James Bond movie. I didn’t, but you’ve been trying to figure out how to tie a bow tie since the movie was released. You saw that scene where he was falling a thousand feet off the train and thought “damn, where can I get that tie?”

And now you spend your days trying on Armani suits and searching for a voice coach to give you that perfect accent to not sound like fuckhead when you say your last name first.

You’re dead set on mimicking that James Bond swag like you have no sense of identity, hoping it might help you hook up with that cute temp on the 3rd floor. It’s okay dude, I got you.